


Stars in the Ocean

by Mo-San (renee1797)



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Anxiety, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), College, M/M, No Criminal Minds people though, Panic Attacks, Reverse Double D - Freeform, Reverse Kevin - Freeform, getting better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-14
Updated: 2018-04-08
Packaged: 2019-02-14 16:25:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 14,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13011627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renee1797/pseuds/Mo-San
Summary: Double D went through hell in highschool. Suddenly being outed does that to a person. Escaping to college he hopes to put the past behind him and move on. That is until a familiar face shows up and brings a whole slew of emotion with.





	1. Deep Breaths

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo! I have been working on this fic off and on for a little bit and decided I might as well share it. Ah while some of the events and actions might sound "edgy" (or I worry that they do) I wrote most of this fic based off of personal experiences. No better writing material than yourself, or something cliche like that. Anyways.... I hope you like it!

Glass solidified in Double D’s lungs as everything stood still. Any small movement would push him past what Eddy had just texted. When the bird’s chirping struck his ears and his breath painfully fell from his mouth, Double D noticed small water droplets on the illuminated phone screen. No. It wasn’t just water. It was tears. 

I want to break up. 

Had he done something wrong? As cliche as the question sounded it was currently burning through the student's mind. 

Double D forced an arm up to wipe at his eyes, but it seemed to be a futile task. Each movement only brought more. He didn’t even notice when he dropped his phone or sliding down against the wall. Any outside observer might find the contents of his bookbag strewn across the floor as a sign of serious concern. Technically it was? Losing your first love always shredded your lungs to the point of no return. Instead of breathing Double D only wheezed for a couple moments before his voice found a shaky hold. 

Sobbing. 

He sounded like a beached whale looking for her young. Maybe hanging out with Ed alone had really been wrong or when Kevin drove him home from school. Double D cursed himself for not quitting the chess club when Eddy had so vehemently demanded it. No amount of shirt gripping and phone chucking cooled the bleeding wounds of Double D’s lungs. 

Just breath. 

*** 

Double D woke up still curled up on his tiled floor. His parents wouldn’t be home for another day or so. Wiping the sleep from his baggy eyes the teen pushed himself up. Even with wobbly knees he hobbled into the bathroom glad to have the door click softly behind him. The sound of the shower soothed the inflamed internal injuries when his phone chimed again. Everything felt numbed a moment before the sound had registered in his head. 

Clothes half off and strewn on the floor, Double D grabbed the replacement flip phone going to see who it was now. 

Hope to see ya again. ;) 

Tossing the device back on the counter he stripped his underwear off, thankfully he had no pants on to begin with, and stepped under the cold spray. What ever buzz he had from Ralf’s wilde night was quickly running down the drain. Each shot of water from the shower head brought the present closer to his mental surface. 

Two more months. 

Graduation was approaching fast and Double D counted the days till college. The cool plastic of the tub floor steadied his quickening breath. Only two more months till he could leave this god forsaken place. Till everyone would stop talking about him. Till he could start out fresh. Eddy had ruined his small slice of social life in highschool, but at least no one would know him at college. 

Fuck Eddy. 

***

Double D liked his new roommate. Nat’s cyan colored hair was a crazier color than his own fire red. The sudden hair change was an on the fly decision that gave him a happy buzz for about a week. Gently rubbing a finger along the top of his cactus, feeling the newly developed needles tickle against his flesh, he tried to remember its name. A cool night breeze caressed his face earning a yawn in return. 

“Hey Double D you’re in here for chem right”, Nat asked from a desk cluttered with papers, books, and one laptop. His eyes didn’t leave the monitor screen and his hair was pushed back with a flower headband, Double D was pretty sure it had been his. 

“Correct. Why do you care”, Double D asked flopping back onto his bed. He felt his waist size was growing smaller since the twin sized bed felt huge to him. Rolling over the teen faced his roommate. Nat was a theater major if he remembered correctly. He must be taking core classes. 

“I have this group project over… Well I don’t even flipping know what it’s about, but it has chemicals and that is kinda your thing”, Nat said slowly sitting back in the old wooden dorm chair, “Can ya please help us. I’ll get you a week's worth of monsters.” For just four months living together, Double D was surprised just how well Nat had figured him out. 

***

Monsters’ acidic taste made Double D feel like he had lost his breath for a couple of seconds. Felt like he was dying. He didn’t technically even need the energy drink since he normally finished assignments week ahead of time, but the extra caffeine helped his mind settle in reality. Instead of feeling detached from his own voice, Double D felt in control of each word. For a couple hours of his caffeine high, the kid felt normal. 

Double D continued to sip the energy drink as he entered the large college library. A building built on windows and books. All three floors were stuffed to the roof with books with a handful of actual humans workers and study rooms. That is where Nat and his partner were at and where Double D was heading. His hair was secured in his black beanie to hide its wild color while his clothing was a worn out band t-shirt and black jeans. Only a single note book was in his bag slung over one shoulder.   
Opening the solid wood door to the study room, Double D popped an earbud out muttering a quiet greeting. The little voices of a fading song could still be slightly heard from the mini speaker, but his own voice seemed to be frozen. 

“Hey D, this is my partner”, Nat started to say. 

“Double Dork”, Kevin asked from over his text book. His red hair was longer than Double D remembered as it hung limply over his eyes just as the new thin rimmed glasses did. His new style stung Double D’s eyes. It felt wrong. 

“Uh yeah”, Double D responded trying not to let the hollowing feeling in his chest show while he sat in the padded chair. Mentally he kept his eyes on the table while he pulled out the worn notebook. 

“Nice you two already know each other. This will be easy then cause I was worried you would give Kev here a hard time”, Nat joked winking towards the red head. Double D couldn’t help the snicker that struggled from his throat. 

“Yeah right”, Double D said in a tone almost too low to be heard. The hollow pocket in his chest was quickly filling with thick syrup that tugged at his words. “What did you need help with again”, he asked wanting to get away from the hot stuffy study room. 

“I have the sheet”, Kevin said from across the coffee table. Rummaging through a bright green folder he scooted the paper across towards Double D before quickly removing his hand. The other male didn’t glance up at the former classmate, or was it current, as he glanced about the words. 

Everything seemed slightly blurred as his heart was thumping hard in his chest. Kevin knew what he was. So much for a fresh start in college. His hand traveled to the edge of his beanie, a habit he had broken before college, and began to pick apart the stitching. Just explain what to do and you can leave. That’s all you have to do. If he says anything just don’t respond or…. Or what. Swallowing Double D concentrated on the paper. 

***

Two hours later Double D felt like he was drowning on his own breath while Nat seemed to be finishing up a short outline for the project. Once the pen tip left the paper and his tongue left his cheek, Double D knew they were done. “Alright this looks way better than I could have done on my own”, he chuckled holding the notebook page towards the light. “Just have to make sure it is not a counterfeit.” 

Kevin chuckled at the act as he finished jotting something down. “Thanks Double Do… D”, Kevin said clearing his throat afterwards while closing his spiral note book. 

Feeling his chest tighten slightly Double D looked up at the red head for the first time in the study session, only making him feel like his ribs were about to crack. Standing suddenly, he let out a shaky breath. “I will make your acquaintance in our dormitory Nathaniel, I will be taking leave first”, he said at almost inhuman speeds. Nat’s eyes shifted towards his roommate as worry glinted off of them. 

“Alright. Sure. Ah want anything from the caf?”

Double D shook his head and quickly walked out of the cramped room. His feet felt heavy as his heart fought the be freed from his ribs. Everything was too much. Walking up three flights of stairs instead of the elevator saved him from some human contact, but now his breaths became slippery. By the time he made it to the freshmen dorms his hands were trembling so bad he couldn’t get the damn key into the door. With growing frustration he gave the door handle a violent jolt causing it to swing wide open. That’s right.. He hadn’t locked it before he left. 

Knocking over no less than three cups, one even shattered on the floor, he got a cup of luke warm tap water. It splashed over the edges as he attempted to drink it. Finally gaining one gulp Double D gasped slightly for air. He didn’t notice cutting his foot on the glass. Nat would find the bloody sheets the next morning. 

Double D placed the cup on the bedside table counting mentally in his head. 

Breath 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five

Hold It 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five 

Exhale 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five

It didn’t work. Gripping the sheets tighter his throat shrunk to half its size while his eyes burned. Everything was dark while his mind pushed against his skull, but his thoughts sucked it painfully in. Kevin didn’t even harass you he mentally repeated before moving towards the usual everything will be ok mantra. Double D’s words did nothing to silence the memories flashing across his eyelids. 

Scratching at his scalp the pain helped settle his darkening thoughts but didn’t silence his heart. Blood dotted the bits of dandruff under his nails earning a breath of irritation, but the stinging underneath his hair helped him concentrate enough to have noticed. Pouring the rest of the water from the cup he tried to fill his mind with the cooling feeling on his hands. Again. 

Inhale 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five 

Hold It 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five 

Exhale 

One 

Two 

Three 

Four 

Five 

Double D’s chest felt heavy, but the bed felt better. Laying down he managed to regain his breath, but not his eyes. Curling tightly into his comforter he continued to cry until he ran out of tears. Around four in the morning he fell asleep from exhaustion. 

It Won’t Be Alright.


	2. Brace

“You look like fucking hell man”, Nat said slurping on a cup of iced coffee containing an absurd amount of whipped cream on top. “You could have always said no to the study session.” 

“I just had a hard time sleeping”, Double D said face currently sideways on his desk. The cool feeling felt nice on his puffy face. A sweating can of monster sat opened next to him and was currently the only reason sockhead was awake. “Your study session had no affect on me.” 

“Mmmhmmm well”, Nat said pausing to lick the whip cream off of the straw, “Can you help us again in a couple days. Just need ya to make sure we are making sense and to help us practice our presentation.” 

“I might perhaps be busy that day Nathaniel.” 

“Liar”

“Oh…. and how might you know that.” Double D said shifting his head to look angrily at his roommate. 

“You only say Nathaniel when you lie.” Nat said tossing the empty coffee cup into the trash bin. “Ball is life huh?”

Double D groaned rolling his eyes. Flipping his face back the other way he said, “Four monsters this time.” 

Do the opposite of what you want to do, and you will get better. 

***

Fuck the therapist. 

Double D was again in the same tiny cramped study room, but instead of reading a slip of paper he was watching Nat and Kevin awkwardly spitting off facts about chemical equations. Trying to avoid eye contact was a lot harder than before. Picking at the edge of his shirt Double D forced his eyes forward praying his breath would remain even. He is just another student. Probably a football player here on a sport’s scholarship. That is all he is Eddward. 

“And that is why the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”, Nat said looking rather proud of himself. 

“Ah Nat I believe you have made a mistake”, Double D said registering the closing line. His brow furrowed in annoyance. “That is not even the same area of study. Please pay more attention.” 

“You should be the one paying more attention dude. Saw you dozing off over there.” Plopping down in the chair next to Double D he leaned back groaning. “I didn’t buy you all that caffeine for you to sleep in here.” 

Growing silent Double D pressed his thumb nail against his palm. “I do apologize Nathaniel why don’t you both go back over it while sitting down.” 

“I was kid”, Nat started before glancing to the side suddenly. “Ey Kev let us know when you need help.” Standing he stepped towards the red head. 

How had he not seen the outline of the brace against Kevin’s jeans. Nat helped the red head back into the chair. His facial expression spoke towards how much pain the injury must have been. Strain. Torn. Broken? What caused it Double D wondered. 

“I hate making a scene”, Kevin said quietly removing his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose. “Still getting use to moving. I will be fine in a couple of moments.” 

“Coach told you to not put so much stress on the damn thing. I knew we should have done this in your room”, Nat said going to grab Kevin’s bag from across the room. 

“And I told you that my roommate hates people in the room”, Kevin said voice in a hushed anger. His whole body was scrunched up inside the chair. He appeared…. Small. Placing his glasses back on, Kevin blinked a couple of times accidentally making eye contact with Double D. Glancing away he cleared his throat. “We really didn’t need to have this meeting anyways.” 

Double D did not look away. Instead he finally took a look at the cause of his latest nightmares. A small teen boy wearing a worn red hat, facing backwards, of course, with a free campus t-shirt and old jeans on. His glasses were thick rimmed, almost like Double D’s before he got contacts, and freckles poked out everywhere. Still even as normal as he appeared, Double D couldn’t shake the feeling Kevin would eventually start in with the name calling and rumors like before. 

“We can have it in our room since you live a floor below us”, Nat said with a grin, “I’m sure we will have a couple more projects together.” Winking he added ,”Partner.” 

Kevin glanced towards Double D slightly trying to search for a reaction, but currently the other male was trying to process what Nat had said. 

“I guess that would be better”, Kevin finally said looking towards Nat with a gentle smile. 

This was not the Kevin Double D knew. 

*** 

“Wait Eddward”, Kevin said as Nat walked out of hearing distance towards the dorm elevator. 

Double D froze slightly feeling his limbs numb and mind churning. He didn’t speak but he did turn to face the other slightly. 

“Listen dude. I really am grateful for your help and ah if it is not too much can you help me in some other classes.” Kevin’s voice sounded feeble and thin. One simple word would destroy the delicate glass hand he was offering to Double D. Just one word would let him stay in his room to sleep. Just one word. 

“Okay.” Double D thought a moment wondering if that really was his voice answering. It sounded odd and strange. 

Deflating relief Kevin smiled widely again. “I won’t buy ya all those stupid monsters though. Just have to find enough reward in being in my presence.” He jutted a thumb back at his chest before wincing at his knee. 

“Perhaps you will sound more convincing when you can stand on two full legs”, Double D said raising a brow. His words sounded angry and bitter, but he again felt like they were not his own. Drawing in a shallow breath Double D ran to catch up with Nat in the open elevator doors. Everything still felt numb aside from him scratching at his wrist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo!   
> I am glad that I had a large amount of hits for the first chapter. For the following chapters I will probably post around a thousand words each, but I don't have a set time line to publish each one. Still I will attempt to keep with a weekly chapter. One other little side note~ If you have a fanfiction you are writing and need a beta reader feel free to email me at renee.a1797@gmail.com . 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks for reading!
> 
>  
> 
> ~ Mo-San


	3. Red Ink

“My god what time is it dude”, Nat asked having woken up to the light pater of typing from Double D. Gently he rubbed the sleep from his eyes while trying to concentrate on teen hunched over his desk. The fading LED light casted shadows across the room giving off an eerie feeling. 

“It is currently three in the morning Nat”, Double D said keeping his eyes glued to the computer screen and ever growing black lettering. His second monster laid empty on its side next to its older sibling. “I’m finishing up my essay for English Composition.”

“The one due in three weeks”, Nat asked voice tinged with slight shock. He knew the kid was a workaholic, but this was even slightly strange. “Ya alright dude, you have been acting odd since…. Well since you started helpin me ‘n Kev.” Having answered his own question Nat quickly added, “If I did somethin to offend ya or something.” 

“No Nat you are fine. Please do not worry yourself over my moods. I only have a couple more sentences to finish up and I will turn the desk light off”, Double D said not enjoying his roommate’s worried rambles. Finishing the paper was an attempt at a technique from his therapist. 

Keep busy when panicked. 

Hitting one last period, Double D sat back in his chair glancing up at the ceiling for a moment. 

“Did Kev do something to ya?”

The question caused Double D to pause. Kevin did not cause him any strife purposely, but his very presence caused all of these nasty habits to return. Even at that moment Double D’s hands were dried and bleeding slightly from obsessive washing. “No, he only requested that I help him with a few other subjects.” 

Leaning back in the solid wooden chair Double D let out a boulder of a sigh. Glancing at the half awake Nat he grew slightly envious.

“Well don’t push yourself dude. The rate you are going is only gonna be burnt out by christmas break.” The other male covered his yawn with a loose hand. “Get some rest.” 

Double D closed his laptop and turned off the desk light with a soft click. “Yeah I know. I was just quenching a slight worry over time management.” Laying down on the stiff twin sized bed he watched his roommate in the dark room. Meeting with Kevin tomorrow was the true stressor, but he was not going to admit that to the kid’s own friend. 

Nat chuckled slightly before settling back in his comforter. “Course I am right. Don’t ya know who you’re talkin too?” 

Groaning Double D rolled over trying to create an annoyed air about him, but in truth a small smile was on his lips. His air head of a roommate was at least good for something. 

***

Double D purposely kept his room free of visitors for a sense of security and comfort. A blanket of solitude he could hide in and keep outsiders away. Kevin’s presence was a stain right in the middle of the room’s safety blanket eating a slight whole towards Double D. He currently was sitting in the desk chair with his injured leg laying raised on Double D’s bed. An obviously used college algebra textbook was splayed out in his lap while his notebook was in Double D’s hands. 

The gray pencil marks on Kevin’s notebook pages kept Double D anchored to the present while he attempted to keep the other out of his safety blanket. Eraser smudges encroached on most of the pages original problems making even squinting futile. Bitter acid settled at the base of Double Dskull as Double D asked, “Where is the problem set for your work originally located?”

Kevin glanced up from the page he had reread at least ten times. Gently nibbling on his thumb nail he flipped to the requested problems before offering the book to his tutor. 

Lack of retort set the edges of Double D’s blanket on fire. Had he overstep his bounds somehow? Maybe his glasses’ prescription had expired. Maybe he was reading the wrong notebook page? 

“Sorry I was struggling with some of the answers. You’re lucky it wasn’t in pen”, Kevin said chuckling slightly. Taking a small breath Double D nodded before glancing over the printed textbook pages. 

Simple linear equations filled the section allowing Double D to find some relief. Alright these are second nature to him. Red inked answers were already scrawled across the pages, however, showing that the past owner had at least known what to do. 

Looking back towards Kevin’s notebook, he reread the answers, noticing some of the half erased numbers matched the answers already written in the textbook. Was it just a case of second guessing?

“Seems like you have a bit more knowledge in this area than you give yourself credit for kevin” , Double D said glancing up at the red head. Green eyes broke away suddenly from staring at the sock head. Fiery anxiety in Double D’s chest was threatening to spill out his mouth. Was the other looking at him the entire time?

“What’s up losers”, Nat asked, bursting in the room holding a plastic shopping bag and steaming container of popcorn, “Brought some thinking-snacks.” 

Thankful for the sudden intrusion Double D scrunched up his face. “Do you ever behave like a normal human being Nat”, He asked with an acidic edge. Glancing back towards Kevin about to spout out another insult, he froze slightly. 

Seems Kevin was also rather relieved at Nat’s intrusion. 

***

“So is there any hope for our little lamb of a friend”, Nat asked sitting in the booth across from Double D. Silently he was thankful the blue haired male also enjoyed taking his food back to the dorm to eat, and that the college had a seperate place aside from the cafeteria that allowed students to do just that. 

“I am unsure what you are implying by saying our, but Kevin seems to possess intelligence. The only problem is that he seems to be constantly second guessing himself.” Two study sessions later and Double D had picked up on Kevin’s habit. 

“Come on now you have to admit he is our friend”, Nat said pouting slightly. 

Quirking an eyebrow Double D felt his palms grow sweaty. “You are friends with Kevin, but I am only a past acquaintance helping a fellow classmate.” He knew that this odd tutoring arrangement was not going to last. Another rotten thought that was filling the teen’s head was having to find another roommate. Surely since Nat and Kevin were close friends, next year they would apply to be roommates. 

Groaning slightly Double D tore at the developing scab on his wrist trying to keep his breath even. 

God I hate my life.


	4. Pizza

Blood dripped from an open wound scrawling across his leg. Each movement forced dark hazy static around his eye sight. Each movement felt wonky and wrong. Even his trusty knife slipped from his fingers making a soft clattering sound on the floor. Following soon after the only sound in the dirtied room was dying raspy breaths. 

Game Over 

“Here I thought you fit the typical gaming personality Nat” , Double D said from his bunk. His fire red hair was in its usual bun, but a lack of hat actually allowed the strands to be seen. Darker roots were peeking out slightly. Double D was planning to have it re done during christmas break. Shivering slightly at the thought he sat up with a yawn. 

“Ey I’m good at first person shooters. Not any of this survival horror bullshit”, Nat said scratching his barely blue hair, “Did you order the pizza yet?” 

“Doing it right now”, Double D said tapping away on his cell phone. Every Monday was pizza night. While this small tradition was only a couple months old, it soon became the highlight of their week. 

“Before ya do I was wondering if you minded if Kev joined us.” 

Pausing a moment, Double D felt cotton growing up from his throat. The rough felt like leaves covering the roof of his mouth while the white cotton sucked the saliva dry. At least when they are studying he had something to concentrate on. 

“Sure whatever. What does he want?”

God Double D hated his voice. He first didn’t recognize who had spoke, but it didn’t take much to figure it out. 

“Coolz. He was worried he was makin you uncomfortable, but right now he needs some chill time. He eats the same thing I do so I’ll go get him while you get it ordered.” Not even allowing a confirmation from Double D, Nat dashed out the room. 

Taking a deep breath Double D sat his phone down. His hands trembled so roughly he was afraid of dropping the danm thing. The cotton plant seemed to be sprouting out of his mouth at the moment. Calm down before they have a chance to see you. Reaching for a cup he quickly filled it with metallic tasting tap water. Small sips brought the stinging in the back of his eyes down slightly to only a slight annoyance. He pulled his black beanie over his head softly. Kevin was just tearing into every one of his safety rituals. 

***

Double D’s eyes felt heavy while they struggled to remain open. A stomach full of pizza and laying around normally did that. The burning presence of Kevin, however, kept him slightly more aware. 

“Hey Nat what are ya doing”, Kevin suddenly said as Double D noticed the game character running into a wall. He couldn’t help the chuckle escaping his lips. Nat had fallen asleep at the controller. 

“I don’t think he is going to wake up”, Double D said after a few side jabs towards Nat. “He sleeps like a rock.” 

Smirking Kevin yawned slightly while moving a closed pizza box to the wooden dorm floor. “I guess that is my que to go back to my room.” Was it Double D’s imagination that Kevin’s hand trembled slightly on his leg. 

“Do you need help to your room”, Double D asked automatically. He didn’t expect the other to accept his offer out of a sense of pride. After a long pause, however, he grew worried. 

“If you wouldn’t mind”, Kevin said while his thumb rubbed a thin ring on his opposing hand. His eyes were casted on the floor obviously avoiding Double D’s. 

Sucking in a breath through the thick air, Double D nodded. “Yeah ah what do you need me to do”, he asked standing and rubbing his sweating hands together. Hiis knee must hurt since it was so late. Whatever shitty excuse went through his mind his fear was not quenched.

“Just walk with me if that is alright”, Kevin said softly glancing towards the other before reaching for his crutches. 

Double D nodded slipping on a pair of plaid slippers since he wouldn’t be leaving the building. Kevin was already hobbling towards the door. Why did Double D had to offer to help?

***

“I’m sorry.” 

Two words tumbled through Double D’s veins as he stood in Kevin’s dorm doorway. Only one bed had blankets strewn across it while the other was acting as a laundry hamper. “My roommate is kinda messy.” 

Rubbing a clamily cold hand across his face, Double D nodded quietly. “Don’t worry Nathaniel gets rather messy as well. Is everything in order then.” 

Escape. 

“Ah yeah but can you hold up a moment.” 

Escape. 

“S Sorry I really need to..”

“I’m reallys..” 

Escape. 

Double D didn’t hear a word the other had to say. He had already pushed up the front door open heading into the hall. Heading straight towards the elevator his heart felt like it was pushing against his rib cage. 

One cold shower later led him to calm slightly before he disturbed Nat. One thought seemed stuck in his mind, however. 

God I want to die


	5. Fight

“Ey how was your morning classes”, Nat asked as Double D slung his backpack into the booth seat. Kevin was already sitting back in the half cushioned bench. His usual wonky smile seemed rigid. 

“Normal. Nothing new”, Double D said glancing back towards Nat, “Did something happen?” His voice sounded rotten. 

“Ah don’t worry bout it just some stupid crap during practice.” Kevin seemed to rub his ring harder against his reddening finger. Whatever happened must have been worse than Nat is trying to pass off. 

“Well, I do not know about you two but I am rather hungry”, Double D said again glancing between the two, “want anything?” 

“I’ll just go up with you”, Kevin said, ring still moving. 

“Will your leg be alright. The line looks kinda long.” 

“It will be fine”, Kevin said looking at Nat with a pinched stair. Something definitely happened to Kevin. 

Double D shrugged stepping back to allow the fellow redhead to stand. His brace was different than the normal velcro one as it had hard plastic supporting from the upper thigh towards the ankle. At the knee bend was a round piece that Double D assumed was a hinge of some sort. Kevin grabbed his usual crutches and hobbled after him. 

The lunch line was always large since the two workers would only take around five orders before going back to cooking. Shifting his weight Double D glanced at Kevin. The red head was biting his lip slightly while scrolling through something on his phone. Sweat was forming slightly on his hairline. Why was he so determined to stand in line? 

Shrugging away the thought Double D shoved his hands into his jean pockets glancing around the small area. Today it seemed his meds were really kicking in as the normal suffocation like feeling of crowds only felt like a stuffy nose. Still he tried to not concentrate on the other students as he plastered an uninterested look on his face. 

God I hate people. 

“Kevin is just fucking around on the team”

Double D’s uninterested state was shattered as he glanced slightly behind him to see a group of presumably sophomore males. Their comment was obviously loud enough for people to hear. 

“He should just quit. Let Spencer permanently be the quarterback. Fucking freshman.” 

Whatever peace Double D’s meds was quickly being eaten away with annoyance. Anger came quick to the sockhead. 

Kevin’s eyes were glued to his phone as his lip seemed to be suffering more. Why isn’t he saying something? In highschool Double D knew the kid wouldn’t have taken any shit. Especially from teammates. 

“You got a fucking problem.” 

Who said that? Double D watched as the kids face soured and the room grew silent. 

“Who the fuck are you”, the kid said face growing red, “butt out of our god damn business.” 

Kevin looked at Double D shocked as he wobbled on his crutches. 

“Seems like that’s a fucking lie with your fat ass mouth blabbering to the whole goddamn room. Shut the fuck up.” 

I’m yelling. 

Everything sunk in crashing Double D’s lungs. He was the one causing the rather muscular upperclassmen to step closer. He was the one Kevin was leaning on slightly for support fighting for breath. He was the one about to get into an altercation. 

“You want to act all fucking tough you scrawny shit”, the man said as Double D fought for any sort of response. How did it come so easily earlier. 

“Hey Hey now why don’t you two step back”, Nat said seemingly appearing between the two, “You are causing a scene.” 

“Back the fuck up Nat unless you want to get your ass beat too.” 

“I’m sure campus security would love to write your quote down”, Nat said phone already out and ready to go. This caused his teammate to stop. Tightening his fist he let out a frustrated sigh as he walked towards the exit bumping shoulders with Double D. 

“Fuck off fag.” 

Once the kid was out of the door a sigh fell from Double D’s trembling lips. Kevin also seemed to relax slightly against him. “Hey how about pizza tonight too”, Nat suggested.

“Yeah. That sounds good”, Kevin said with a low voice. At least everyone in the room was still silent. 

***  
“So much for wanting to get through the year like a normal kid”, Nat said cold pizza hanging limply out of his mouth. He had just returned from escorting Kevin to his room. “What was up with ya back there? Scratch that, what has been up for the past couple weeks?” 

“I’ve been actin completely normal Nathaniel”, I said sipping on a monster. My nerves were still on edge even though the time was quickly passing midnight. 

“And I have found a girlfriend”, Nat said scoffing at his roommate, “dude seriously I am just worried.” 

Pausing a long moment Double D made a point to take a deep breath. “I really do not know Nat. Lately things have just become a little fuzzy around the edges. My mind feels like a camera that can’t focus.” Actually putting his feelings into words made Double D pick at the edge of his bennie. 

Nat watched him for a moment clearly racking his brain for something to say. “Ah ya might have to give me an example dude.” 

Sighing Double D closed his eyes before speaking. “Like when I was yelling at the guy. I didn’t know it was me who was talking until you separated us. It felt like someone else. Like I wasn’t in control.” 

The new explanation did its job as Nat nodded slightly. “I’ve read something like that”, he said suddenly before getting up and pulling out notebooks from last semester. He began flipping through a couple trying to find something. A pile of notes later he found the paragraph worth of writing. 

“Dissociation where one feels separated from the physical motions of the body and mental being. It occurs in response to trauma and often occurs when the individual is under stress.” 

“I don’t think you shitty notes are going to explain why I was yelling at a kid twice my size”, Double D said crossing his arms. Hot acid began crawling up his throat. 

“This is exactly what is going on. Also”, Nat said flipping to another page, “self handicapping or self harm comes in many different shapes. Blah blah blah one other form is purposely refusing to receive basic human needs such as sleep or food. Also scratching or picking at oneself.”

“What does it even fucking matter Nat. Why won’t you stop pushing your little head so hard? Stop analyzing me. If I wanted to die I would already be dead”, Double D said the acid falling from his mouth. 

“Because those who self harm don’t typically fall under suicidal. But it is still a call out for help and I’m just worried. If you need to see a counselor then do it or if you need a different professional do that. Dude you’re fucking scaring us.” 

“Us? Are you including Kevin?” 

“Ah yeah. He text me all the time because you always seem off.” 

“Ha like he would know how I normally act. News fucking flash, he was part of the issue in high school. And he is the problem now. “

“He has changed Double D. You’ve seen the kid?He can barely look you in the face.”

“Oh ok. He is only here because of his fucking knee. We are the god damn back up friends. Why is this so hard to get through your head?” 

Nat was silent for a long moment as he took a deep breath. The air felt hot and red. Double D gave another sharp glare before sitting at his desk. 

“He wanted to hang out before he even hurt his fucking knee”, Nat said before leaving the dorm. 

Double D rubbed the bridge of his nose squeezing his eyes shut. Everything felt wrong. The only thing he could taste was bitter acid. Still. How dare Nat question him. 

Wait. Am I wrong?

No. Double D felt entitled to the rough emotion settling in his stomach to brew. 

He has never done this before. You’re causing him issues. 

No. Double D had never even snapped at his roommate until now. 

He is your only friend and you fucked it up. 

No. Double D blinked as a familiar thick burning behind his eyes began. He hadn’t noticed he had already began to scratch at his wrist. Small lines of blood began to form. 

He hadn’t noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! I just wanted to say I hope the strong language didn’t offend anyone! I am trying to keep everything as realistic as possible. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed!


	6. Scab

Clear scabs were always grosser than normal ones. Double D stared at the one currently resting on his wrist. It was an opaque color with small black dots around the edges. These took longer to heal than normal. Especially when you peeled them up before they were ready to go. A thin line of blood reminded him he was sitting in bed at three in the morning. 

Suddenly the car alarm outside focused in his ears. Suddenly his soft blue sheets appeared in his eyesight. Suddenly he noticed his name.   
“Double D what are you doing”, Nat asked sitting up in bed. He was still on some sort of hellish mission to become a mother to Double D.   
“Leave me alone Nathaniel”, he said covering the scrab with his hand. Since their fight two days ago Double D found sorry wasn’t enough for him personally.

“What’s on your arm”, he muttered eyes squinting in the dark. 

“My other arm. Leave me alone.” 

Nat didn’t listen as he got up crossing the small room quickly. “Are you hurting yourself again”, he asked pulling the light chord. 

Double D’s vision shook slightly and normal stabbing sensations started again in the back of his head. “What the hell.” 

“Double D please show me your arm.” 

“It’s my body.” 

“If you have a cut you need a bandaid.” 

“No.” 

“The light stays on till you got one on.” 

Staring at the other through heavy eyes Double D realized the other was not going to back down. Sighing he said, “I’m not moving out of bed.”

“That’s fine”, Nat said moving quickly to grab the makeshift medical supplies he had recently bought. His baby wipes, cartoon theme band aids and Neosporin was quickly used on the scab. 

“Are you going to bed soon”, he asked putting the stuff away. 

Double D only shrugged in response flopping onto his side. Nat watched him rubbing his neck. 

After a couple moments the lights clicked off and Double D was already at his bandaid. Until the theme song to Rupaul's Drag Race began to play. Rolling over be saw lat had propped himself up on the bed to see. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Watching your favorite show of course.” 

“I hate this show.” 

“Is that why we watch it every pizza Monday?” 

Groaning Double D knew he wouldn't win this argument. After five minutes, however, he found himself totally engrossed in the outrageous show. After twenty, he was dead asleep. 

Nat had gotten to know him pretty well over the semester.   
***  
“Did you forget your keys again Nat”, Double D asked opening the door. His roommate normally would appear around eleven in the morning after his first class if this was true. In layman’s terms, Double D had expected his roommate. What he didn’t expect was Kevin looking sheepish and small. 

Kevin was watching the wooden floor as if he was trying to count the boards in the hall. A slight hitch in his breathing caught Double D’s attention. A tremor was ever so slightly present. “Oh hey Double D. Nat said you would be here around now. I just wanted to talk to you quickly if it’s alright.” 

What in the world had Kevin so wound up Double D wondered stepping aside to let the other in. For a moment Kevin froze, unsure of just how to work his crutches. His brace was the same heavy duty one from the grill the other night, and he didn’t appeared to be in the same condition as always.   
Kevin hobbled over to Nat’s bed and sat down resting his leg. “What’s is bothering you so much to hobble to my door”, Double D asked eyes narrowing a little bit. 

“I just wanted to apologize for the other night. Ah at the grill. I didn’t mean for any of that to happen and you got upset and it was just a mess.” Kevin seemed to pick at the edge of his worn out shirt.

“Well, Kevin it was not your fault we stood in front of some assholes. Don’t let it get to you.” 

“Nat also told me that you two got into a fight over it? I’m sorry for that too.” 

“Nathaniel is an asshole too. Our fights are because of us and no one else.” Double D touched the bandaid on his wrist a moment. He waited for a response from the redhead, but none came. “Is that all you were worrying over”, he asked crossing his arms. 

“No um. I wanted to ask you one more question. Why did you stand up for me like that?” 

Shocker. Nat asked the same question and anyone who actually knew Double D would too.

“Because they were being asses”, he said sighing and rubbing his forehead, “It was just sorta an automatic response. Seems like it’s a normal occurrence for me recently.” 

Another pause. 

“You have seemed to change recently. You’re cursing and Nat told me you had red hair.” 

“A lot happened since highschool Kevin”, Double D said before wondering why his hair color had come up between Kevin and Nat. Shrugging it off he said, “you have seemed to change too.” 

“Sports are not going to pay for tuition right now”, Kevin said nocking slightly on his brace. Not as fast as I use to be.”

Double D chuckled softly at the whole exchange. “You are correct on that one. When is it supposed to come off anyways?” 

The air seemed to leap from Kevin’s lungs as if he was recalling a painful memory. 

“I don’t know to be honest.”


	7. Friends

“Tell me again why you two are going to a party”, Double D asked, “and asking me to go?”   
“Cause we want the whole squad there”, Nat said with a smirk while Kevin sat silently on the bed. He watched the conversation between the two but didn’t comment. 

“I’m not sure why you are referring to us as a squad Nathaniel, but besides that I am not going to attend such a ludicrous gathering. I do not enjoy being drunk”, Double D said sighing. 

“College drinking is the edgiest thing you can do. It will help your edgelord persona”, Nat said elbowing the other. 

“Highschool drinking seems worse”, Double D said grinning slightly.   
“Maybe we should just stay in tonight”, Kevin chimes in quietly from the bed. Nat looked at him before feigning a faint. 

“You. My dude. My bro. My homie”, he said from the floor on his knees with a hand expertly placed on his forehead, “how could you betray me by even saying that.” 

“Well I mean if he doesn’t want to go”, Kevin said, but Nat quickly interrupted. 

“D will be here when we get back. So don’t worry.”   
“Yeah”, Double D nodded remembering highschool Kevin living at parties. Maybe that changed along with the knee injury? The very thought of another drop of alcohol in his system was already making Double D weezy. 

After a long pause Kevin rubbed the back of his head. “I guess you are right”, he said going to stand and hop to his crutches leaning against the wall.

“That’s the college spirit now”, Nat said doing a little fist pump. Double D sighed feeling a heavy air settle in his stomach over what sort of shenanigans they might get in with some liquefied courage. 

*** 

Double D found out around four in the morning. The dynamic duo came stumbling in and giggling. Kevin was using Nat as some sort of makeshift crutch since the only other one was loosely gripped in his hand. Nat had tried to throw his keys on his desk but missed by three feet. Double D was glad he hadn’t gone to sleep. 

“Ey Ey what did I tell ya”, Nat said flopping a hand towards Double D, “the little shit is still up ‘n goin.” He chuckled while almost pushing Kevin over. The crutch had long since fallen to the floor.   
Kevin half caught himself on the counter while Nat saved the rest of him.

“You two”, Double D said unsure if he should allow the bubbly feeling grow in his chest. “Sit down before you kill yourselves.” 

Nat began to chuckle again but suddenly his face twisted harshly. Kevin was only partially on his bed before he dashed out the room towards the bathroom. 

“Didn’t take you for a quiet drink”, Double D half asked going to finish Nat’s job. Kevin’s cheeks seemed to be the same color as his old hair while he watched the other. 

“Is your hair really red”, Kevin asked suddenly while Double D went to get him a glass of water. 

“I don’t know. Is it”, he asked while he handed the drink to the other. 

“Nat says”, Kevin said drinking a long chug, “it’s long and red.” 

“Well first don’t drown yourself and secondly Nathaniel says a lot of things.”

“I wish mine was still red.” 

Double D paused a moment as questions were burning down his tongue. He swallowed them as he just leaned against their sink counter. 

“Red would look cool on you too.” 

Again Double D was silent as he listened to the others drunken rant. 

“Red is nice but it wasn’t cool back then.”   
What does that even mean? 

“If you can shut up and finish your water I’ll just show you”, Double D said as his mind took a moment to catch up. 

God Dammit. 

“Huh… really. Shit alright alright. I’ll stop talkin”, Kevin said pausing, “now.” He then got to work sipping on the water. About three fourths of the way through Double D was wondering if Nat had died in the bathroom. 

“Done”, Kevin said victoriously holding up the empty plastic cup. 

“I’m going to go check on Nat.” 

“No no. A deal is a dea”, Kevin said catching the others sleeve. Just pull away from his grip. He probably wouldn’t even remember me being rude in the morning. 

He wouldn’t remember your hair either. 

“Shit. Fine just let go”, Double D said since the other was already dangerously close to his wrist scab. That is one conversation he did not want to have with Kevin. He let go though.

Taking a breath Double D simply reached for a lock from under his beanie. “Crap. Look it’s so cool. God”, Kevin said looking like he was about to seriously tear up. Rolling his eyes Double D opened the door only to be greeted by a Nat slumped against it and the RA watching from across the hall. Apologizing Double D struggled to get the oaf into the dorm room.

*** 

It only took an hour to convince Nat that pushing the beds together to have a “cuddle party” was not acceptable and unsanitary sounding. Double D was not as bad with germs like in highschool but the state of the other their clothing was quickly causing him to relapse. 

Finally, however, the room was bathed in darkness and Nat’s snores created soft white noise. Double D was slowly giving into his heavy lids glad for a few hours of rest. 

“Hey Hey Double D”, Kevin asked trying to whisper in the dark.

“What”, Double D groaned after contemplating ignoring the words like a dream.

“We are friends right?”

“Huh? Why do you care?”

“Just you get angry when Nat says something and well..” 

“We are something resembling friends I guess.”   
The long silence that followed had Double D convinced that Kevin had fallen asleep.

“Thank you. Thanks for saying that.” 

Double D rolled his eyes. “Go to sleep dork.”  
Kevin must have a ton of friends in college so why does he care about a single person? 

Why me?


	8. Hat

“You can not stay in the dorms over Christmas break Eddward.” 

I don’t want to go home either. 

“Mother please. I need to finish up assignments during those weeks and so I plan on staying here.”

“You can do whatever work you need to here at the house.” 

“I have to perform lab experiments.” 

“You can go to your father’s work.” 

Swallowing the rocks in his mouth Double D groaned. An automatic response with automatic consequences. 

“Excuse me young man. You were never this disrespectful in high school.” 

Because you were never around during high school. 

“I got to let you go mother. My roommate needs help with something.” 

“Don’t you da..” 

Double D ended the call tossing his phone on his desk. The loud clattering sound solidified his jelly like thoughts. 

Fuck her. 

Glancing at his watch he figured Nat should be getting back any moment for dinner. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Double D rubbed his eyes trying to wipe away any lingering anger towards his mother. It wasn’t her fault work kept her from the house, but her new found motherhood was annoying. He just honestly wanted to sleep, and just not wake back up. 

***  
“Quiz Bowl”, Double D asked scrolling the webpage on Nat’s phone. 

“Yeah. The winner gets a gift basket with stuff and shit man. It’s right up your alley”, Nat said, fry half hanging out of his mouth. 

“I’m sorry to inform you, but finals are taking up my entire time. A lame attempt by the school to raise spirits is only going to serve as a distraction.” 

“That’s kinda the point D. And I call bs on your studying excuse. Most of your finals are papers and hate to break it to you, but I know you finished them from your late night flings.” 

Rolling his eyes Double D looked back at the information sheet. It was a rotten idea, but one he was being drawn to. 

Starbucks’ gift cards always made things better too. 

***  
Watching Kevin in the group of participants was surprising, but almost losing to him really kicked Double D’s ass sideways. Claiming victory by one question, he caught Kevin flashing him a smile from across the room. When did he get so smart? 

“Damn kids, I honestly didn’t know who to root for”, Nat said as the auditorium began to empty out. Clutching the large basket full of gifts Double D yawned. 

“Ey Kev nice show”, Nat said as the other male approached with only one crutch. His leg was still in a brace, but not as heavy duty as before. 

“When did you learn so many mathematical equations Kevin”, Double D asked raising a slight brow. Kevin bit the side of his cheek as he glanced towards Nat. 

“I mean you were the one who taught me everything.” 

“Not that.” 

Nat laughed forcibly as he threw his arms over the other two’s shoulders. “It doesn’t really matter dudes. Why don’t we get back to the dorm and order some victory pizza.” 

Double D sighed, nodding as he looked back at his spoils of the Quiz Bowl. Right on top of the different candies and treats was a soft blue baseball cap and t-shirt with ‘Quiz Bowl’ embroidered across them in white thread. 

“Hey Kevin do you want this hat”, Double D asked as the other two had started walking ahead. Kevin paused glancing back at the other. His current hat had a number of noticeable holes forming in the fabric along with the color quickly fading. 

“I mean only if you don’t want it”, he said not meeting the other’s gaze. 

“I think I will stick to my beanie”, Double D said unwrapping the plastic covering and fishing the thing out. He plucked Kevin’s red hat off before replacing it with the new blue one. His ears were a slight pink. 

“Look at you lady killer”, Nat said jokingly as Double D grabbed his basket again. 

Flashing a smirk towards Kevin, Double D said, “you look sharp.” 

His eyes seemed to be brighter than normal. 

***   
When is your last day of class so I can book your flight. 

Angry mother text were not the best to wake up to after a long night of gaming. Groaning Double D wiped the sleep from his eyes as the phone brightness illuminated the dawning room. Kevin was snoring softly on Nat’s bed while the roommate was on the floor in a makeshift pallet. The air prickled against Double D’s exposed skin as he woke more. 

Rubbing his mop head of hair, Double D tried to think of a response. 

“Mm What are you doing up”, Nat asked slowly rousing from his cocoon on the floor. 

Double D shook his head. “Just my mother. She wants me to go home over break.” 

“Don’t wanna go I take it?” 

“Bingo. She just won’t take that as an answer.” 

Silence slowly crept in as Double D typed out several different possible text. Nat’s question popped in, offering a solution. 

“Why don’t I come with you? Then ya won’t have to worry about being harassed.” 

“What about your own family?” 

“They won’t care.” 

Double D looked at his roommate of six months. His fading hair plastered to his forehead from sweat. A pimple was coming up on the edge of his lip and he needed to pluck his eyebrows. Everything felt clear. 

“Alright. Yeah that sounds like a plan”, Double D said typing a message telling his mother to buy two tickets. He trusted his ugly mug of a roommate.


	9. Middle

“I’m so sorry”, Kevin said, his voice trembled shaking Double D’s very foundation. The room shrunk as his lungs collapsed. 

“Did he suffer?” 

Double D didn’t know what else to say. Car crashes were violent and especially this one. 

“No. No”, Kevin said trying to take a deep breath. If he had said anything else Double D didn’t hear it. 

Nat was gone. 

*** 

What day was it? 

Double D didn’t know as he saw the sun leak in through the window. Everything looked exactly the same as before. Birds chirped, voices echoed, and he was alone. 

All of Nat’s things were still present. His family wasn’t coming. There was no family. 

Grasping for his phone cord he powered on the device. 

23 text from mother. He didn’t open them. 

1 text from Kevin. 

Please come get me from the hospital. 

He didn’t even change. 

*** 

The sun was gone now. Double D didn’t know what time it was, but the moon was full. Kevin was still in his room. He was talking to Double D. 

What was he saying? 

He was crying. 

Who was crying? 

Why were they crying? Nathaniel isn’t gone. All of his stuff was still there. His bed was unmade. He should have been packing to go home with Double D. Nothing is wrong. Nothing should be wrong. Nothing can’t be wrong. 

Why was Kevin in his room? 

*** 

“I’m leaving.” 

The offer from the government had been there the whole time, but this was the first time Double D had decided to go. 

“What why?” 

Kevin watched the other with wide eyes. He sat on the grassy quad as the winter wind bit his cheeks raw. 

“I can’t get better here.” 

Both of them were still dressed in black suits. Their hands were raw from being pole bearers. This was the first time Double D accepted Nathaniel wasn’t coming back. 

This was the last time Kevin saw Double D for ten years. But not the last words said. 

Kevin’s story was not over, and Double D’s had only just begun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Mo-San here. This chapter is a heavy one, but not the last one. We have two broken boys who have a lot of healing to do. See you next week !!!


	10. 187

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! 
> 
> I just wanted to give a slight warning for some gory scenes in this chapter. *** will be at the start and end of the paragraphs that may contain disturbing content. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!!

The first call came when the air was hot and moist. Waves of heat danced from the metal car hood while the air conditioning weazed in exertion. An empty water bottle rolled across the passenger side floor, but Kevin had been working on the second one. Sarah’s voice crackled over the receiver, barely recognizable. 

“927d at the corner of Vernon and Lewis.” 

Picking up the receiver Kevin confirmed the address before pulling out of the small side road. Wind from the driver side window cooled the dripping sweat on his forehead. Summer was really hitting this time of year. 

A large building with peeling white letters hinting at an old mom ‘n pop place sat at the corner of Vernon and Lewis. A vague memory from childhood echoed through his mind as Kevin stepped out of his cruiser. Johnny arrived only seconds later. Not a single drop of moisture was present on his face. Pulling their weapons they entered the building.

Opening the door they both hit a wall of putrid air. Acidic acid washed against the back of their throats as they pushed further into the dim place. A handful of tables were present and in different stages of decay, but that was not what they were looking for. The front counter was filled with graffiti from the local kids. Where dust normally laid was completely cleared. 

On the verge of vomiting the pair rounded the counter. Johnny couldn’t hold it in any longer as Kevin radioed into Sarah. 

“We got a potential 187 here. Requesting CSI.” 

***A shrine of gruesome sacrifice was scattered across the peeling linoleum flooring. Once contained in black trash bags, torn open by scavengers, was what Kevin assumed was once a human of some sorts. Black and brown crust covered the ragged edges. He forced his eyes away concentrating on securing the scene.*** 

*** 

The second call came on a hundred and two degree roasted day. Kevin let a teen off easy for speeding for the call. He was the nearest unit to the Chinese restaurant. 

Death wafted in through Kevin’s window as he pulled into the small alleyway. A man in white showed him the burning green dumpster, and even provided a step-stool. Pushing open the burning black lid Kevin covered his mouth.   
*** A single arm stuck up from a sea of garbage, hand outstretched for another, drowning in the putrid dump. Sores ripped the greening flesh with edges of angry red. The middle finger hung from the middle joint only connected by a single strip of flesh. ***

Kevin didn’t normally smoke, but he seemed to be picking up the habit. Serial was a word growing in the department. The town only had five thousand occupants. How could one of them do all of this without anyone noticing. Putting the cigarette out on the heel of his boot he greeted Johnny. 

***

The third call was from a pay phone on the edge of town. The receiver was still warm when Kevin arrived. He confiscated it for evidence, but already knew it was too contaminated to lift anything. Every other unit was at the house on Lemon street. The kid was gone. 

A husky voice had whispered to the operator. He wasn’t going to stop until the caught him. His favorite part was cutting of their eyelids. A fact not released to the public. 

Kevin struck his steering wheel harshly when the information came over the radio. He was only seventeen. They were all in their teens. Shifting another cigarette pack from his middle console, Kevin pulled out of the grocery shop parking lot and headed towards the station. An emergency meeting with all staff over the current Serial case. 

***

The station was covered with staff pushing through crowded desk. Large pin boards with the known facts of the case were being released into the one small conference room. A handful of men were grouped around the chief. Kevin pushed close into his comrades huddle. 

“A group from the FBI’s behavioral analysis group is set to arrive tonight. Tomorrow we will be taking them wherever they need to go. We are going to catch this sick-son-of-a-bitch.” 

The chief's face was a belligerent red as he spoke to his officers. Kevin felt relieved at the FBI’s help. He just couldn’t decide if it was because of the disbursement of responsibility or the fact they might actually catch ‘this sick son-of-a-bitch.’


	11. Officer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! So there are some more graphic parts in this chapter. Again they are marked by ** at the start and end. Sorry for the oddly timed chapter. I have been sick this week and school is a little rough. Anywho. Enjoy!!

Kevin always imagined FBI agents to be clean shaven men or women, much like those in movies. Instead the people who walked in, 8:30 am on the dot, emptied out his chest cavity. 

One woman had spiked purple hair, but wore a slim pinstripe suit. Her skin pale. Her face slim. Her name was June. 

One man had a bald head shining like the moon, but wore a button up shirt, sweater vest, and slacks. His skin dark. His face puffy. His name was Ace. 

Finally he stepped through the doorway. His black hair was tied loosely in a low bun, but he wore a dark purple button up shirt with a pair of pinstriped pants. His name was Eddward. 

Kevin couldn’t suck a single breath into his empty chest. Ten years he tried to contact Double D. Ten years he tried to forget Double D. Ten years and here Double D was again. 

Double D didn’t even glance towards Kevin as he watched, eyes wide open. The raven haired male entered the conference room followed by a number of officers. 

“Kevin get your ass in here.” 

Remembering he was supposed to be one of those officers, kevin scurried into the now cramped room. The high row of windows provided more light from outside than the hanging yellow light bulbs. A pin board, found in the back of the evidence closet, was shoved against a wall having only the victims pictures pinned to it. Files already were spread out across the splintering wooden table as the dark man, Ace, cleared his throat. 

“I wish we could have met under better circumstances, but wishes can’t save lives. We are going to catch who is ever doing this. Right now I and special agent June will begin setting up our station. We would like the officer who answered the original call to take agent D to the crime scenes.” 

“Alright Kevin get going. Everyone else get back to work.” 

Kevin finally made eye contact with Double D. He swallowed sour emotion before nodding. 

*** 

“Tell me again how you found the body”, Double D asked holding up a crime scene photo trying to match the scene with the physical location. 

“I got a potential dead body call and showed up with Officer Johnny before heading in.” 

“Nothing odd then?” 

“Aside from the dead body, no. You know as well as I do that kids always pull pranks in the shut down pizza joint.” 

“No I do not Officer Kevin so please finish up your description of the event so I can do my job.” 

Kevin felt the emphasis on his job title, shrinking back slightly from Double D. He hadn’t expected a warm reunion, but he had expected more than this. The entire scene felt askew to the police officer. 

“It’s in the report. There is nothing else I can tell you. Agent D.” 

Kevin’s own voice bothered him. 

**“Well. It is clear he wanted the body to be found staged like this. The hands were left clasped together and propped up. Wiring was used and even inserted into the opening. The garbage bag was an afterthought.”** 

Kevin had to strain to here the explanation, but recoiled slightly once he had. 

“It was as if he was praying.” 

“Or begging”, Kevin said in a whispered thought. He didn’t notice Double D glancing over to observe him silently. Kevin bit his tongue lightly to keep his mind on the case and not Double D. 

“Or begging.” 

Double D confirmed Kevin’s thought before heading towards the exit, ready to move on. 

*** 

Two days was all it took for the profile to be made. Two days of awkward eye contact had beat five months of police work. 

Staff crowded into the meeting room once more. Another pin board had been hung on the wall. The thrift store sticker was only half peeled off.

Silence crackled through the dingy paint of the room. Kevin looked towards Double D who was in a suit vest and white shirt. His gun holsters sat openly on his shoulders. Kevin didn’t want to meet the person on the other end of that barrel. 

“Alright. So we have a white male between the ages of thirty to fifty. All the victims show signs of mutilation leaving us to believe the unsub holds a low position job, but is highly educated. The incisions are precisely done. So probably someone in the medical field or a medical student drop out. He will appear completely normal to everyone else, if not a little strange. He may have a wife and kids that he dominates. If his wife isn’t involved then she might be abused. So we should start sorting through local hospitals and medical suppliers because he is getting his instruments from somewhere.” 

Kevin locked eyes with Double D again causing his heart to stop.


	12. Pictures

“Why do you insist on having me drive you everywhere again”, Kevin asked looking over a stack of documents. He was chewing a soured stick of gum hoping to curve his nicotine addiction. The red lights of the digital clock clicked to six on the dot. 

Double D didn’t answer for a moment as his thumbs skimmed the glass screen of his phone. Once the question settled into his reality he glanced up. “Because you know the area. Why else would I ride with you?” 

Kevin felt the edges of his concentration fray slightly. What had soured their relationship in college? Ignoring the question he smacked the manila file closed. “Well I figured you would want to be working on the case with your colleagues instead of following me on routine patrols.” 

The red lights read six ten before Double D responded. 

“I am talking with them. Don’t assume I’m just lollygagging around Kevin.” 

“What did I do? Why are you being like this?”

Kevin didn’t recognize his voice when he spoke. Double D’s scrunched expression brought his outburst to reality. 

“I’m working you fucking idiot. What do you want me to say?” 

The red lights read six twenty. 

“No. Not about you working. I’m talking about how you are behaving around me.” Kevin didn’t raise his voice as he spoke. Flat and even. 

Lights read six twenty-five. 

“Everything isn’t about you Kevin. Get your head out of fucking college and into reality. I moved on and apparently you didn’t.” 

Six twenty-seven. 

“If I haven’t moved on, then why are you the one yelling right now?” 

Double D watched Kevin for a long moment opening and closing his mouth. His eyes felt like Kevin's thoughts. Red and Raw. He settled into a grimace before opening the passenger side door. “I’ll just fucking walk back.” 

Kevin didn’t stop him, and once Double D was out of his eyesight he pulled away. The cell phone buzzed softly in his seat. Kevin didn’t notice. 

Six forty-two

The radio had caught his attention instead. 

The missing boy had been found. 

***

Judas Avenue was not a popular place to live. Two government ran apartment complexes and one park lined the street. Barbed wire wrapped around each establishment, an attempt to keep them separated. 

The park bathroom was covered in black grime and green mold. Yellow police tape clung to the surrounding trees. Even before Kevin hit the barrier he could smell the grisly surprise in the bricked building. 

*** The body was ‘whole’ this time. He was strung up by a rope around his neck in the last stall of the restroom. Strangulation was not the cause of death. 

Skin ulcers, angry blisters, and crusted cuts covered each exposed bit of skin peaking out from the dingy band t-shirt and skinny jeans. His eyes were completely gone only leaving swollen sockets behind. One hand had fingers pointing backwards while his toes had no nails. The shaggy hair pictured on television had been roughly shaven around a dark hole. ***

Kevin held an arm over his mouth attempting to not vomit on the spot. Closing his eyes, Kevin took a death tinged breath, attempting to calm his thoughts. Returning his sight to the body he noticed the other hand was completely fine and gripping something. Pulling on a pair of blue latex gloves he approached. 

Rigor mortise had settled in making it painful, but he managed to get the item free. A flimsy Polaroid photo looked back at him. Kevin’s entire stomach fell to the floor as he turned yelling at another officer to radio in. 

The photo was of Double D smoking.


	13. Notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Sorry for the late update. I was on vacation and my dog is having puppies! So the chapter will also be kinda short. I hope you enjoy it though!!

“Where the hell is he at?” 

Kevin lit a cigarette and puffed out three large clouds of dirtied air and squinted his eyes. They were burning. 

“Calm down Kevin. Kinda of our job to figure that out.” 

“How can I calm down when I know he is still out there?” 

The ciggerett was already half gone. 

“The place is surrounded. There is no danger.” 

“Bullshit. You’ve seen what happens to those kids. How can there be no danger.”

Kevin feels the pain of a slab as his cigarette skitters across the floor. 

“Shut the hell up. Your bitching isn’t going to solve this case any faster.” 

Double D looks flustered as his eyes never leave Kevin’s reddening cheek. June seemed just as shocked Kevin was as he held a hand to the raw flesh. 

“Look. You’re not getting anything done sitting around and smoking. Let’s use this time to narrow down the Danm profile.” 

Kevin was still silent. June broke it with a throat clearing. 

“Well the unsub seems to be following the case closely, and his interaction with the police suggest a higher intelligence.” 

Double D nodded. “The incisions are medical grade, but then he uses common home repair items to inflict other forms of torture. The throat of one of the bodies had drano injected in the vocal cords.” 

“So he is experimenting?” 

Kevin’s voice sounded almost childish compared to the other two. He was watching them through a looking glass. 

“That could be true. But then why position the first body in a praying stance?” 

“He takes pleasure from torture. What if it’s begging.” 

Kevin felt bile bubble in his stomach. Who the hell was this dude. 

“Jesus Christ.” 

June’s face was matching Kevin’s. 

“I’ll contact Ace about this new information. In the meantime you two need to get some rest. That is the whole reason we are staying at Kevin’s.” 

The clock was ticking closer to midnight. Several unmarked cars surrounded the small house while two officers, aside from June were staying inside. Double D yawned. 

“Alright. Well wake me up when it is my turn to stand watch”, Kevin said rubbing the back of his neck. June nodded before heading towards the other two officers were, drinking coffee. 

Double D was in the living room settling on the couch. Kevin took the recliner as he went to text the chief about the conversation. When he glanced back up he noticed Double D had the box from the end table in his lap. Kevin swallowed. 

“Hey ah… you shouldn’t mess with that.” 

“What is it? Your spank bank?” 

Double D already had it open as it revealed several folded up lined paper. 

“No… it’s from some therapy a couple years back. Rather personal stuff so it would really make me feel better if you just sat it back in place.” 

Double D paused gazing over the paper with slight hints of blue lettering leaking through. He didn’t speak as word as he slowly sat it down. 

“Thanks man.” Kevin went back to updating his chief. 

Double D just had to wait till Kevin fell asleep to read the notes.


	14. Doors

Dear Double D, 

Did I do something wrong? You haven’t answered a single call or text. Maybe I just sent too many and you think I am creepier than I already am. Perhaps you blame me for Nat’s death? I don’t know how, but that would explain your lack of contact. Maybe? I know I will probably never get any answers to these questions, but I had to write them down. I also know you will never get this letter, but yet I am still writing it. 

Sometimes I like to think of what I could have done differently. What if Nat hadn’t met me? Maybe he would still be here today. He messed up his own reputation by sticking up for me. Then the accident. I don’t know. I won’t ever know. And that is what kills me. I want to fall asleep without feeling like my hands are on fire. He never looked that heavy. Do your hands burn? It’s kinda useless to ask that question though. 

Sometimes I wondered if it was the right decision to try and re-enter your life. I never actually harassed you in highschool, but I could have done more to stop it. My stupid high school reputation was not worth it. I only wish I had realized that then and not now. I thought that maybe I could repent somehow, as fucking stupid as that sounds, by becoming your friend in college. As soon as Nat had mentioned his roommate, I figured out it was you. Fuck. The whole presentation thing that you had helped with was a complete fucking lie. Nat and I figured it would be the best way of me re-meeting you. 

I hadn’t realized how much you hated me until I watched you grow pale in that study room. You didn't even look me in the eyes. Probably didn’t help I had fucked up my knee and eyes in an accident. I looked pathetic, and god knows I couldn’t actually stop anyone from tormenting you like in high school. For god’s sake you stood up for me in the school grill. I was about to cry. I feel like an idiot for admitting that, but no one is going to read this stupid letter anyways. 

I feel like a fucking idiot because I lost you. 

K

*** 

Double D slowly sat the heavily folded paper down for a moment trying to calm his thoughts. Kevin was softly snoring on the couch, waiting for his watchout shift to begin. A red hot ball was burning in the bottom of his stomach when he picked up the next letter. 

*** 

Dear Double D, 

I don’t know why I keep writing these useless letters. Maybe they bring a sense of closure. My therapist says they let me explore my feelings. All they have done so far is let me figure out everything I have fucked up on. I bet the fictional version of you I am writing to is tired of hearing about how shitty I am. You probably already know. I’m trying to get better. 

I changed my major from math to criminology. I want to become a cop. Maybe saving other’s lives will make up for Nat’s. He wanted to become a cop ya know. Well more like a lab person, but I want to believe he would have done some field work too. I bet he would have really enjoyed it. The case studies are interesting. Concentrating on racism groups is kinda scary though. It only helped me realized just how shitty it must have been for you in highschool. 

Me saying sorry again won’t really help, but maybe it will help me calm down for a moment. 

Kev

***

Double D shifted through the shoe box finding at least fifty letters, all neatly folded, scattered across the inside. He silently opened another one to find it had been dated a couple days ago. 

***

I promised myself I would quite this pointless activity. Everytime I write I only remember just how shitty life fucking is. Fuck. I want to bash my head against a wall. All this time I wondered if maybe, just maybe, you might have missed me too. All these fucking useless letters do is take up space. They take of space in my head with useless memories and fantasies that I could have changed things back then or if I ever got a second chance I would do things right this time. 

I was fucking wrong. You walked into the police department and my heart fucking stopped. I sound obsessive, fuck, maybe I am crazy. You didn’t even act like you recognized me. Those years of therapy to get over Nat’s death and your disappearance were wiped away in one fucking look. I feel so incompetent and shitty. You are so fucking put together and I am some small back ass town’s deputy. We can’t even handle some fucking sicko. What was all my work for? I wouldn’t be able to protect you even if you let me. 

I sound like such a freaking creap. Fuck. 

*** 

Double D couldn’t finish the letter as he put it down. He glanced back over at Kevin’s sleeping form. He leaned back closing his eyes and slowly letting everything set in. After a moment of comparing Kevin’s mental state to his own in highschool, Double D stood deciding he needed a cigarette. 

The other two officers who had been enjoying a cup of coffee was now just a single man sleeping, slumped over the counter. Double D didn’t really concentrate on the scene as he walked past, towards the sliding glass back doors. He was already flicking the lighter before even pulling open one of the doors. 

When Kevin woke up a couple hours later he found the glass door still open.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Classes are getting ready for finals so sorry about the late update. I hope you enjoy!!

Fame is a weird concept. Was it wide spread knowledge of your name? Or your face? According to Ace it was his crimes. Kevin would never forget the image of a box on his doorstep. 

**Blood had already pooled through the bottom leaving a burgundy stain behind. The smell was wretched, but familiar. His stomach must have burned through his body and fallen onto the floor. Two fingers and an eye were placed in the shoe box along with a dingy polaroid photograph.**

Kevin didn’t want to believe what happened, he didn’t want to look at June or Ace as they drank their weight in coffee and read their worth in notes. 

Only 27 hours had past at the point. It felt like 48 or even 60. 

Kevin would never forget the polaroid picture of Double D tied to a chair with dingy gags in his mouth. Or when Ace’s phone rung. 

“Special Agent Ace.”

Everyone’s eyes followed the man’s face as it twisted slightly. 

“Wait, Wait, Garcia you need to slow down a moment. I can’t understand you.” 

Another pregnant pause that was shattered by Ace scrambling to one of three desktop computers in the room. He quickly pulled up his email. 

“Calm down. Can you get his location.” 

Kevin didn’t even need to hear the conversation fully to feel bubbling fear rise in his throat. 

A single blue link rested in the email Ace had opened. Kevin swallowed as the cursor turned into the loading symbol. 

Kevin will never forget the computer screen. In some sort of wooden building with dirt floors and dingy light filtering through, sat Double D in a kitchen chair. His eye socket was swollen and black. Blood crusted around the eyelid opening. Kevin couldn’t see his hands, but he already knew what they looked like. 

June broke the thin shocked silence with an angry screech. 

“Where the fuck is he?” 

Kevin could see hints of tears down her face. Ace noticed as well. 

“We don’t know. Garcia says the IP is bouncing off multiple servers.” 

Rubbing her face with her hands, June fell silent. Kevin looked at the floor as if to offer her some sort of privacy. The police station hadn’t been swept since this entire ordeal began. Brown grunge was caked around the edges of the table legs. A thin layer of dust settled on the floor the table’s shadow fell on. 

Dirty Floors. 

“Wait you guys mentioned that the guy is a local right”, Kevin asked. June glared slightly at him, but nodded. “Then the building he is in is local. In our country side maybe.” Kevin headed towards the map pinned up on one of the free standing cork boards. 

Screams erupted from the desktop computer as Kevin gritted his teeth. Last time something happened to Double D he had taken a back seat. Not this time. 

“Look almost all of the bodies were found on the more upper scale side of town, but also around where some old family plantations are.” Kevin clicked his tongue as there seemed to be two large possibilities. “The dirt floors and grungy wooden walls have to be some sort of barn.” 

June stood up as Ace was relating the information to Garcia. “So lets split up and hit both.” 

“That’s too risky June, the SWAT won’t have enough time to get ready.” 

“Do you think D has any fucking time for SWAT to get ready”, June shouted glaring at Ace. Kevin swallowed but nodded. 

“We have to go now or else he might not make it much longer.” 

Double D was heaving heavily in the kitchen chair as burns were crawling up his arm. The skin bubbled and reddened. 

***

Kevin pushed the wooden door open with a hand as June entered first. A few other officers followed before Kevin covered the rear. Inside the house was dark as dust clung to his lungs. Cleared shouts filled the air as the group had split apart to cover both upstairs and downstairs.   
Kevin noticed a number of silver wrappers piled up in the corner of the living room, but June began to cough harshly in the kitchen. Catching up Kevin froze. 

The entire sink was a brown color as flies buzzed around the appliance. Blood had stained the once white linoleum floor while bits of wire laid about the area. Kevin covered his mouth with his hand slightly. 

“Come on lets keep going.” 

June nodded pushing open the half rotten back door. Kevin could already see the small wooden barn. It was two floors, but the top was caved in. What mattered to him though was the slight hint of light seeping from the boards. 

The team didn’t even take three minutes to approach the building, guns drawn. This time June settled by the door locking eyes with Kevin. She slowly began to mouth words. 

“One” 

“Two” 

“Three” 

She pushed the door open, but the hinges gave causing it to fall to the ground in a cloud of dust. Kevin stepped inside without even hesitating. His vision was clouded, but he squinted trying to make out forms. Once the dust settled each officer froze in place. A large oil lamp sat in the center of the barn, but that is not what they were all staring at. 

They were staring at nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun Dun Dun!!!!!!!
> 
> Next chapter will probably be the last one. And I will try to get it up in a couple days. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter.


	16. Waiting

Glass solidified in Kevin’s lungs as everything stood still. Any small movement seemed painful as June’s phone began to ring. When the birds chirping reached his ear, Kevin’s breath painfully fell from his lips. Kevin noticed small round spots on the floor. They were not blood. They were his tears. 

Double D was dead. 

Had the team been too late? As cliche as this worry sounded it was still running through his head. 

Forcing an arm up to wipe at his sweat covered face, he only brought more frustrated tears. He didn’t notice when June fell to her knees or her gasp. Any outside observer might say there behavior was unprofessional. A small town police officer and an FBI agent broken down in a potential crime scene. It was unprofessional. Losing your first love always shredded your lungs and gutted you heart. Kevin gasped for a couple moments, struggling to take a single breath. 

“They got him Kevin. We got him.” 

June looked up at Kevin with her soft gray eyes. Kevin took a moment head clouded with thick smog. He heard what she said, but did not know what she meant.

“D is safe. He is safe. You were right.” 

*** 

Kevin straightened out his sweater, he glanced in the mirror to make sure his hair wasn’t too wild before pulling on the quiz bowl hat he had gotten so many years before. His glasses sat softly in place. He hated wearing contacts during his days off. Letting out a soft sigh he collected the small bunch of wild flowers from the kitchen counter. Kevin. Figured roses would be a bit too much. Double D had just woken up yesterday. 

A month in a coma. A month of sitting by a hospital bed. A month of waiting. 

Sitting in the waiting room felt like waiting in an eternity. Kevin remembered the first time he came to the room. Double D was pale as the humming of machines served for permanent background noise. Half of his head was wrapped in bandages while his leg and arm sat in cast. 

Just thinking about it gave him shivers. 

Finally Kevin was allowed into the hospital room. Double D was sitting up slightly in the bed. He glanced behind him as Kevin entered. It wasn’t the normally acidic gaze from the station or even the nervous glance from college. 

“What’s up?” 

Kevin couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. Quickly fill out laughter developed. 

Double D scrunched up his face before wincing from moving suddenly. 

“What the hell is your problem.” 

Catching his breath slightly, Kevin wiped at his eyes slightly. 

“Sorry. It’s just funny. I spent two weeks worrying about how you would be when you woke up and you just sound like nothing happened at all.” 

Double D sighed slightly before offering a lopsided grin. 

“What, expectin me to curse you out or something.” 

Kevin offered a shrug as he went to replace the slightly wilting flowers on the side table with the new ones. 

“I don’t know……. but to answer your question, the sky.” 

Kevin thought he was funny, but Double D looked disgusted with his joke. He offered a small chuckle, however. 

***

“Are you sure it is alright that I stay here?” 

Double D shrugged softly setting a large blue coffee cup down on the counter. Scars still crawled up the knotted flesh where two fingers should sprout. 

“You provide me company and it is closer to the academy.” 

“But I can’t pay rent.” 

“Guess you will just have to pay me in other ways then.” 

Double D winked his real eye. The tips of Kevin’s ears turned a slight pink. Had Double D always been like this? 

“Now come here, stop blushing like a schoolgirl, and help me make some eggs.” 

Smiling Kevin went to grab their skillet. Double D grabbed his chin planting a kiss on his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my story! Everyone has left so many wonderful comments and I am so happy you enjoyed my writing. This is my first published fan fiction and I am planning on doing a few more. Please comment your thoughts and opinions on my piece. 
> 
> Thank you, 
> 
> Mo-San


End file.
